I've been pretty quiet for awhile now. It was a hard spring with many ups and downs on our fertility journey. Hard to talk about on its own, but I also have 2 big exams I'm writing this year, so I seem to spend all of my time in front of the computer studying these days. (One test down in May, but then had to start all over again for the one in October.)
So, a quick update. In March I went back to the fertility clinic to see doctor Havelock. All of my tests looked okay, and with some prodding, Mr. finally did his. Of course, based on last year's pregnancy, we didn't expect any problems with his "contribution," but I guess it's good to check. Because of my PCOS and long cycles, the doctor (as expected) prescribed me Clomid. The first month was a little emotional. Even though we confirmed that I ovulated, I was over 5 days late. You can imagine what I was thinking, but no go. It was just a result of the drugs. Something it would have been nice to have known AHEAD OF TIME, but I guess you live and learn.
For May/June, I was exactly the opposite. Even when there were signs that I could very well be pregnant, I just kept reminding myself of all the months I'd had "signs" before and it turned out to be nothing. I figured based on last month that it could be a good 19 days before my period would be on its way. And, of course, right around conception time we got so stressed out that we fought every time we were supposed to be "trying", so I didn't have a lot of reason to be hopeful. This was the first month ever that I waited the full 14 days before taking a test - but that might have been because we were out of the cheap ones. Either way, with my sister in town for a visit and a potential weekend of drinking in front of us, I peed on the damn stick. And started crying when 10 seconds later it already showed as positive!
Almost 8 weeks later, and I'm coming up on 12 weeks pregnant now. We've been to an early ultrasound, and saw the heart beating (and confirmed one embryo and not two.) Because of last year's situation, we've decided to go straight for the amnio and skip over the screening tests. I don't want to hear what the odds of there being an issue are - we just want to hear a yes or a no. (Well, we just want to hear the no, of course.)
I have an amazing psychiatrist who is helping me to work through the fear and leftover feelings from last time, but it's not easy to be as hopeful as everyone else around us seems to be. The baby is due March 9th(ish), and I'm trying hard to imagine what it will be like to meet our baby this time and get to take him or her home and experience the joy instead of more heartbreak. (He doesn't want to know the sex, so we're planning to find out the old fashioned way.)
Don't get me wrong. I am extremely thankful. Every day I thank God for the miracle and the opportunity. As well as the morning sickness, heartburn and exhaustion, since they are all part of the process. I try to focus on my positive energy and practice having faith. And patience.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Even my white panties didn't work!!
Let me just start with the obvious - it's been a while. Christmas has come and gone, and a new year is already well underway. Vancouver's much anticipated Olympics has ended - and the torch relay for the Paralympics starts tomorrow. For me, the Olympics had been looming over me as a constant reminder that my (former) due date was approaching (Feb 21.) But, the Games were a lot of fun and did a good job of distracting me and giving me some exciting moments to celebrate. As they say, I guess life does go on.
However, as the last weekend of the Olympics started, I started on the emotional roller coaster where I find myself right now - and I am exhausted by it.
To give you an update, everything seems to have gone well since the D&E in September. I waited 7 weeks and my cycles started up again right about the time I was thinking I might have to make an appointment to see my doctor. The first one was a textbook 34 days. The next cycle was over Christmas, and did go a bit longer. Part way through that month, I started back with acupuncture at Acublance Wellness Centre (http://www.acubalance.ca/). Before I started with acupuncture and Chinese herbs last year my average cycle was about 60-90 days long. The month I started with their recommended treatment for PCOS, that was reduced to 32-36 days - and we conceived on month # 3!!! So, I am sold on the effectiveness of the treatments. I considered waiting to see what my body would do on it's own, but figured I would start with a little bit of acupuncture just to keep myself balanced, and then build up from there.
With the 40-day cycle in Dec/Jan, my lovely acupuncturist, Erin and I decided to step up the acupuncture but forgo the herbs for now. I would go 2 times per week for the first 2 weeks of the month using electronically stimulated pins on my abdomen, and then once after I've ovulated with just regular acupuncture (they do a lovely calming treatment to help with implantation.) This is half of what I was doing last Spring, but I figured it was a good place to start since cost is an issue and I believe that I'm still reaping the benefits of the previous treatments. Also, I would make sure to get enough sleep and rest (the hardest part for me!), eat a whole foods diet with plenty of plant based proteins and as little sugar as possible (also something I work on constantly!) and get regular exercise every day (I've been walking about 30 KM / week.)
Everything seemed to start off okay, and all the signs that ovulation was on its way kicked in around day 16. I usually get about 5 days notice, so this was just on time for day 21, which is around when I was ovulating with the treatments before. I was so confident that I even canceled my last treatment. This was on a Monday. Around Thursday my primary sign that ovulation was on its way disappeared for about 24 hours. I was panicked and wished I hadn't canceled that appointment. However, I seemed to be fighting something and was dehydrated, and everything seemed to kick back in by Friday, so it looked like we were back in business.
Since then things have been a bit contradictory and unclear - to say the least. I spent 2 weeks thinking I ovulated 2 weekends ago. Since then, I've questioned the date it happened - or even if it did at all! And now I am "late" - or at least I am IF I actually ovulated. But 6 tests tell me that I'm not pregnant. In fact, there are signs that my body might be gearing up (again) to ovulate - meaning that it didn't go through with it 2 weeks ago for some reason. However, some raging heartburn and sore boobs suggest that I could be pregnant after all. I'm also exhausted and have mood swings - but that could just be from all of the stress of trying to figure this all out!! I track my fertility signs on fertility friend.com (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/) and this is the first ambiguous month I've had since I started on there in March. It's reminded me of what it was like 2 years ago when my cycles would drag on for months and I never had the slightest clue what was going on.
Monday I was back to Acubalance for what was supposed to be the 1st of my treatments for the new month that hasn't started yet. I brought in my tracker and pretty much LOST IT while trying to explain everything that's gone on since I'd seen Erin last. I was hoping she had some insight that would help me make sense of it all. She ended up taking my chart away from me and suggesting that I just STOP measuring. No more temperatures, no more peeing on every stick I can find! Let me tell you how that is easier said that done! (And I suspect she also meant no Googling early pregnancy symptoms, etc!!)
Today I thought I would wear my newest, whitest pair of undies. Figured that would be a good way to invite Aunt Flo to show up. Alas, she didn't. Which might be great news! But, also might not. And the constant mood swings between hope and defeat make me just want to crawl into bed for 2 weeks!! I am exhausted - right to my bones.
Every month I find new lessons on this journey. Many of them seem to tell me to be more patient. This month I am also learning that the human body is complicated. And that maybe I have been trying too hard. Certainly that I have been too focused on this and it's not helping anything. So for now, I will try to let go. If I'm still in this boat on Thursday I will test again. But if it's still negative, I will just let my body do what it will for a bit. And when/if my next cycle starts, I'll see what Erin recommends for me. And if that cycle isn't out lucky one, then we can call the fertility clinic and restart our testing with them (which we tried to start last May only to find out we were already expecting.)
So so tired - need to sleep now.
Wishing you all great health,
Michelle
However, as the last weekend of the Olympics started, I started on the emotional roller coaster where I find myself right now - and I am exhausted by it.
To give you an update, everything seems to have gone well since the D&E in September. I waited 7 weeks and my cycles started up again right about the time I was thinking I might have to make an appointment to see my doctor. The first one was a textbook 34 days. The next cycle was over Christmas, and did go a bit longer. Part way through that month, I started back with acupuncture at Acublance Wellness Centre (http://www.acubalance.ca/). Before I started with acupuncture and Chinese herbs last year my average cycle was about 60-90 days long. The month I started with their recommended treatment for PCOS, that was reduced to 32-36 days - and we conceived on month # 3!!! So, I am sold on the effectiveness of the treatments. I considered waiting to see what my body would do on it's own, but figured I would start with a little bit of acupuncture just to keep myself balanced, and then build up from there.
With the 40-day cycle in Dec/Jan, my lovely acupuncturist, Erin and I decided to step up the acupuncture but forgo the herbs for now. I would go 2 times per week for the first 2 weeks of the month using electronically stimulated pins on my abdomen, and then once after I've ovulated with just regular acupuncture (they do a lovely calming treatment to help with implantation.) This is half of what I was doing last Spring, but I figured it was a good place to start since cost is an issue and I believe that I'm still reaping the benefits of the previous treatments. Also, I would make sure to get enough sleep and rest (the hardest part for me!), eat a whole foods diet with plenty of plant based proteins and as little sugar as possible (also something I work on constantly!) and get regular exercise every day (I've been walking about 30 KM / week.)
Everything seemed to start off okay, and all the signs that ovulation was on its way kicked in around day 16. I usually get about 5 days notice, so this was just on time for day 21, which is around when I was ovulating with the treatments before. I was so confident that I even canceled my last treatment. This was on a Monday. Around Thursday my primary sign that ovulation was on its way disappeared for about 24 hours. I was panicked and wished I hadn't canceled that appointment. However, I seemed to be fighting something and was dehydrated, and everything seemed to kick back in by Friday, so it looked like we were back in business.
Since then things have been a bit contradictory and unclear - to say the least. I spent 2 weeks thinking I ovulated 2 weekends ago. Since then, I've questioned the date it happened - or even if it did at all! And now I am "late" - or at least I am IF I actually ovulated. But 6 tests tell me that I'm not pregnant. In fact, there are signs that my body might be gearing up (again) to ovulate - meaning that it didn't go through with it 2 weeks ago for some reason. However, some raging heartburn and sore boobs suggest that I could be pregnant after all. I'm also exhausted and have mood swings - but that could just be from all of the stress of trying to figure this all out!! I track my fertility signs on fertility friend.com (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/) and this is the first ambiguous month I've had since I started on there in March. It's reminded me of what it was like 2 years ago when my cycles would drag on for months and I never had the slightest clue what was going on.
Monday I was back to Acubalance for what was supposed to be the 1st of my treatments for the new month that hasn't started yet. I brought in my tracker and pretty much LOST IT while trying to explain everything that's gone on since I'd seen Erin last. I was hoping she had some insight that would help me make sense of it all. She ended up taking my chart away from me and suggesting that I just STOP measuring. No more temperatures, no more peeing on every stick I can find! Let me tell you how that is easier said that done! (And I suspect she also meant no Googling early pregnancy symptoms, etc!!)
Today I thought I would wear my newest, whitest pair of undies. Figured that would be a good way to invite Aunt Flo to show up. Alas, she didn't. Which might be great news! But, also might not. And the constant mood swings between hope and defeat make me just want to crawl into bed for 2 weeks!! I am exhausted - right to my bones.
Every month I find new lessons on this journey. Many of them seem to tell me to be more patient. This month I am also learning that the human body is complicated. And that maybe I have been trying too hard. Certainly that I have been too focused on this and it's not helping anything. So for now, I will try to let go. If I'm still in this boat on Thursday I will test again. But if it's still negative, I will just let my body do what it will for a bit. And when/if my next cycle starts, I'll see what Erin recommends for me. And if that cycle isn't out lucky one, then we can call the fertility clinic and restart our testing with them (which we tried to start last May only to find out we were already expecting.)
So so tired - need to sleep now.
Wishing you all great health,
Michelle
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