For most of the past week, I was pretty angry - and it was not pretty. I'm shocked at what the can take out of you physically. I felt like a wreck. Stressed and worn out. It all started Tuesday and by Thursday I felt pretty badly equipped to deal with anything, and at one point I burst into tears over almost nothing. At work. In front of my boss. It was horrifying. (Luckily, I have this amazing boss who has seen me cry about a hundred times in the past month and understands the bigger picture here. But this was bad because it was caused by frustration. And because he was what was frustrating me. Not professional at all.)
Lucky for me, I got my last EAP-paid counseling session this week, so we talked a bit about this whole anger thing and how to deal with it. If I use them, I learned some great tools in that one hour. Potentially life changing stuff, really. But I felt that this all-consuming rage was something I needed to look at more closely.
What started the fury was that a project that I have been working tirelessly on at work for the past month hit a glitch. Not anything that will be a problem in the long term, but something that looked like it was going to cause a lot of extra work and headaches for me in the short term. And of course, we're under a tight deadline for this project, so the short term was already looking overly busy. And, basically expectations I had of how I thought this was supposed to go were not being met, and no one but me seemed to care. Everyone else was quick to say "what you want can not be done" and keep going like it wasn't a big deal. I wasn't going to let go so easily.
I had a similar situation trying to make an appointment for dear old hubby to go into the bank and be added to my account. I was dealing with a very friendly person at the branch by work and he would be going into another branch. Somewhere in there wires got crossed and it took 3 days and numerous phone calls for us to even schedule an appiontment that was going to be another 4 days later. What I thought could be done by Tuesday wasn't accomplished till Saturday, and I was not impressed at all. Heck, by Wednesday night I was even sure the bus drivers were conspiring to keep me from getting home. And I when I finally go there, I had a complete meltdown cause I was so late that I was making dinner at 8:30 at night and missed my workout that day.
It was around that time, after 2 days of an almost all-consuming rage that I realized what I was really mad about. I'm sure it doesn't even take my 3/4 of a degree in psychology to figure out I'm mad about losing the baby. Especially not when every time I so much as think those words my eyes start to spill over before I'm done. I can see the parallels. In each case, I am working really hard trying to do everything right. And in each case, circumstances beyond my control take over, and I am left not getting what I had hoped for. And there is nothing I can do about it.
In the month since the loss, I have tried to move forward. I've cried when I need to cry and distracted myself with some harmless vices (this morning I achieved level 24 on Farmville.) I went back to work much too soon because of this project. I considered asking for an extention, but I could see the rest of the team working away and everything was starting to wait on me. And at the time I thought it would be something I could pour myself into. Except I have found it a bit harder than I expected. I've focussed on my health and hubby's with the hopes of ensuring we have the best chances possible of conceiving a healthy baby in the new year, when we're allowed to try again. I signed up for these 3 couselling sessions and talked to my friends and family about what we're going through. Numerous people have told me how well they think I'm handling it and how strong they think I am. My own mother was surprised. I've heard that grief goes in stages. And I wondered why I didn't notice going through many of them on the way to acceptance. I just thought I got off easy. I should have known better!
As much as I want to be strong and feel like I am coping with everyhing, I guess I have to acknowledge how angry I really am about this. How horribly unfair it all is. The double whammy of losing someone we wanted in our lives so badly and the fear that we might not be able to ever be parents. The fact that something that often comes unexpectedly to teenagers all over the globe can be so difficult or elusive for wonderful, caring adults who would make awesome parents (I'm not just talking about us here.) I'm angry that there was a little girl or boy who was so wanted by a loving family and never got to meet them or experience anything this world has to offer. That I never got to hold my baby and express all the love I feel. And that no matter what, there was nothing I can do or could have done to change that. And I am angry that all of the plans that we made have been put on hold. Andwhat little control we have about when and if they will ever be realized.
I try to be a happy, positive person. I know that I haven't always been that way. I have lived years of being pessimistic, hostile, stressed out and angry. And, I sincerely hope that those who have met me in the last 10 years would be surprised to hear that. This week has been a scary reminder of what that felt like. It was so horrible that I can't imagine I used to be be like that most of the time. I hope that by letting myself experience that it will help me to let go of some of this anger. And, I think the tools the couselor gave me will be very helpful. I also think that today I am going out to buy a punching bag. I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks as a good way to work out at home, and right now I realize how badly I just want to kick the crap out of something.
Wishing everyone a peaceful day.
M.
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